Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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