Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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