He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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