I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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