GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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