she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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