Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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