Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
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I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Drunk is a universal language darling
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