My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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