i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize