I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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