Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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