He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
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If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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