If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize