took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Watching her eat just hurts me
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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