if you like me you must not know who I am
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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