you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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