She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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