I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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