so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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