I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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