And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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