You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
FUCK WHALES
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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