am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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