i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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