this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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