2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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