My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
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You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize