So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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