my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
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Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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