Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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