You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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