This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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