I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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