Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
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I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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