I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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