Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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