so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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