My Higher Power is John Stamos
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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