Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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