i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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