Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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