Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize