if only i could text you this smell
should my penis look like a turkey
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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