Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
try to milk me bitch
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