I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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