I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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