At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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