Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
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Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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