i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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